A collection of Edward stories
by overworkedandunderpaid
Summary: As suggested, a group of random stories created by yours truly. My friends and I have a little too much time on our hands, we have a lot of stories on Edward. WARNING: May contain sick sense of humour, courtesy of Hellgirl.XIII.
1. Speaking verse

Clumsy Edward

_**Edward**_

_**Chapter 1: Speaking verse**_

Disclaimer: I, and many others like me, would like to point out that no matter how much we wish it were otherwise, we do not own Twilight…

We decided that just for a random one-shot, we are going to make a fanfiction completely dedicated to random adventures of Edward. We being Hellgirl.XIII, PeanutMnM and I, Overworkedandunderpaid.

Hellgirl happens to have a particularly violent streak, and therefore has Edward sobbing dryly in corners when Bella dies. Considering I am the narrator for this ((random)) story/fan fiction, I shall be restraining her from proceeding with the aforementioned plan. Her input/commentary shall be put in brackets like so (). PeanutMnM is ((())) my input/commentary will be in double brackets (()). ON WITH THE STORY!!

P.S. Please be warned, our random screwed up sense of humour may not agree with you.

(Edward falls off a cliff! Mwhahahahahahaha!!) ((Don't be stupid… Ah to hell with it, STUPID!!))

Once upon a dreary day, our very own Edward Cullen (Did you know that they're making an Edward Cullen DOLL!!) ((Shut up, Hellgirl.)) was meandering down his very own drive way. He swayed this way and that way, pondering his life/existence. Quite abruptly, he fell to his knees and howled in pain. ((What sort of pain is as yet undecided)) Alice ran down the road with her super vampire speed and skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Edward, oh Edward, why do you howl so? You sound like a werewolf, did you not know?" she sang. (((No comment)))

Edward howled all the louder at this proclamation. "Alice, oh Alice, I'm dying you see, such is the agony, please help me!"

At this, Emmett too, pelted down the drive way, not skidding gracefully to a halt as Alice had, but continuing to hurtle down the road, and into a bus that happened to be passing. Edward stopped howling in agony to watch this scene take place.

"Edward, oh Edward, stop your screaming please, I cannot stand it, I'd sooner cease!"

"Emmett, oh Emmett, piss off I beg thee, I'm speaking in verse, God help me!!" Edward yelled to the sky. Emmett was climbing out of an Emmett sized dent in the side of the steaming bus. Somewhere in the distance, a phone rang.

"That's mine!" Edward screamed happily, and he stood up and took off at vampire speed, falling over as he ran… ((CLUMSY)) (((Um, Overworked? Why are you making them all speak in verse?))) (Because she can. Make Bella jump off a cliff!!)

Bella jumped off a cliff. ((Happy?))

Anyhow, on with the story:

Edward flew (Literally flew, has anyone seen the teaser trailer? His feet left the ground!!) into the huge hall that was his home. Dazzling lights blinded him momentarily. Then the phone rang…

RING RING, RING RING!!

The piercing notes crumbled the fragile wall of defence that remained around his mind, driving him (literally?) insane. And so, cackling madly, Edward Anthony Masen Cullen ran to the kitchen, and wrenched the phone off the wall. ((This time it was literally)) The phone snapped, and a feeble sound was emitted from the receiver. The hissing was too low for human ears to distinguish. But lucky for us, Edward was not human (((as anyone whose reading this should know))). He heard the muffled words as though they were… were… use your imagination.

"Bella jumped off a cliff!"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Edward screamed and the sound echoed through the eerily deserted, sparkly house. As though this were a sign, Jasper shot through the front doors and stopped in front of Edward.

"Edward, oh Edward, how do you feel? My sensor is broken, - are you for real?" Jasper concluded astonished. For Edward had just told him the oh so tragic news. He then rose unsteadily from the floor, into which he had sank because it was replaced mysteriously by quicksand. As Edward stood, he ran, and as he ran, he hit the wall, but nothing could stop a suicidal Edward, oh no! The wall crumbled into dust in his wake.

At this, Rosalie came running, just like the others before her, and skidded to a stop with her eyes closed. "Edward, oh Edward –" She stopped suddenly and peered around. "Where did he go?!" She screamed, entering a rage. Jasper pointed silently with a sombre expression to the large hole in the wall.

Rosalie's eyes glinted dangerously (again, literally?) and she ran in the wake of Edward, screeching noisily.

Thankyou one and all for reading our fan fiction, we hope that you have enjoyed our writing. If we get enough reviews, we will post again, and we promise that it will be greater and ransomed off to the highest bidder!! We hope you enjoyed our first chapter, Speaking Verse, and pray that you review. If it encourages anyone, the next chapter will be even more random than this one.

_The meaning behind our names, if you're interested:_

Hellgirl.XIII: Have you ever seen the anime Hell Girl? Blood, guts and gore, death, hell and revenge. The XIII (13) is from the anime Black Cat. Assassination, Chronos numbers, friendship and guns.

PeanutMnM: No idea, I'll ask her, but it has something to do with Super Natural…

Overworkedandunderpaid: I live on a farm where I work for my parents for free. I'm overworked and underpaid through and through.


	2. Turkey

_**Edward**_

_**Chapter 2: Turkey?**_

**Disclaimer: We regret to announce our deepest secret, but it must be done. I, PeanutMnM and Hellgirl.XIII do not own Twilight. I know this comes as a shock to you all…**

**Righto, we didn't exactly get enough reviews, but to hell with that. We're writing because we enjoy it. Well, I'm writing, Hellgirl and PeanutMnM are just plotting and commentating. We made an oath that the further you read in our story, the more random it shall become. Oh yes, perhaps we should mention that it isn't exactly a story, more a collection of stories, unless requested otherwise. Once again, I would like to remind you that Hellgirl.XIII's comments will be in (), mine will be (()) and PeanitMnM's will be ((())). I had some suggestions that perhaps I should use bold, **_**italic**_** and ****underlined****. I would like to say that originally, it was only me writing this fan fiction, and Hellgirl and PeanutMnM joined a little later on, and I can't be buggered to go back and correct it. Thanks, appreciate the tip, but nah.**

Once upon a time, in a warlock long ago, there lived an ugly crone named Jasper. Only kidding, it was actually Bella, disguised as Jasper because it happened to be more convenient. ((For what, we shall never know)). She/he/it lived happily on the mountainside, waiting for her beloved Mike to appear. ((Had to work the lecher in somewhere)). The End.

**Please forgive me, I could not resist. Okay, I didn't give much of an intro into this chapter… Well, this is just something that came to me when I couldn't talk to anyone, I hope you enjoy.**

**WARNING: This story will be written by … me:**

Alice was standing in a kitchen, looking calmly at the red boiling soup inside the pot. With a raised eyebrow, she turned to Esme, who was smiling at her happily. (((Uh-oh))) "Well?" Esme asked eagerly. "What do you think?"

Luckily for Alice, at this point, Rosalie burst through the front door, holding and elephant above her head which regretfully, smashed the front entrance as she walked calmly into the kitchen.

"What the Hell is THAT!" she screeched. (What is with you and making Rosalie screech?) ((I really don't know…))

Esme's face fell. "You… you don't like it?" she asked, upset.

Rosalie cackled. "I like it, I like it like this!" and she threw the soup at the wall, which unfortunately, Edward was walking through at that tinme. With an almighty KLUNK! It connected with Edward's forehead

"What?" asked a slightly twitching Edward in an injured tone. Then he screamed and pointed at the elephant Rosalie was holding. "Attack of the giant wasp!" He screamed, and he ran through the front door and onto a street filled with depressed looking turkeys.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!" Edward screamed, throwing himself three feet in the air, before landing on his back with his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. He squinted at the "killer" turkeys through half closed lids.

Just at that moment, Jasper decided it would be an appropriate time to show up. He waded through the seas of turkeys, that were slowly closing in on Edward.

"Um, Edward, what are you doing?" He asked.

"Hiding from the killer turkeys," Edward muttered in response.

"OH MY GOD! WHERE?" Jasper screamed, and he threw himself three feet into the air and landed on his back with his tongue lolling. "No seriously, where?" he asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"They're all around us," Edward muttered back.

"What?" Jasper asked, sitting up. He stood. "You're so stupid Edward, haven't you ever seen sabre-tooth tigers?"

Edward stood up with his vampire speed.

They stared at each other.

"OH MY GOD!! ATTACK OF THE KILLER SABRE-TOOTH TIGERS!!" they both screamed and did the entire fake death process again.

Carlisle, who was watching his sons from the roof of the tall, random house that wasn't theirs that was in the middle of no where, decided now was the time to jump in. Literally.

As Edward and Jasper watched in horror, Carlisle flung himself off the top of the building and began hurtling toward them at amazing speed. For fear of being squashed, Edward and Jasper decided they would rather die by killer sabre-tooth tigers than have their adoptive father land on them. After all, it's a universal truth that someone would rather be eaten by turkeys than be squashed by a vampire.

With a thud, Carlisle hit the dirt. When he stood and looked around, he noticed the turkeys, watching him sombrely.

"OH MY GOD!!" Carlisle screamed. "KILLER GEESE!" and he threw himself up three feet into the air and landed on his back, his tongue lolling to the side of his mouth.

"Their not killer geese," Edward snorted. "They're turkeys."

**Thanks for reading, I'm sorry if that didn't live up to your expectations, I was more or less winging it. It was fun to write though, ((evil laughter)) and that's what I was thinking at the time. These sorts of stories just pop into my head from time to time… Maybe there is something wrong with me… (Are you only just figuring that out?)**

**Review if you like it, I don't care if you say something like: Schme.**

**I really don't, just allow your mouse to drift down to the review button and type something. Five seconds of your life won't matter much. Unless of course, you happen to only have five seconds in which to live, and in that case you should spend those five seconds making me happy, 'cause that's what makes people feel good.**


	3. ALICE!

_**Edward**_

_**Chapter 3: ALICE**_

**So, here I am, once again, waiting for, something new, wishing for, only you, I wonder if that rhymed, oh well, I don't care, not really, on with the story:**

**Disclaimer: I can only declare my genius, but regrettably that genius did not create Twilight.**

**Warning: Randomness ensues.**

"Well, well, well," Edward muttered, tapping on the glass of a display case. He glanced around surreptitiously, making sure there was no one around. "Well, well, well," he muttered again. He leaned against the glass, peering at the long, sharp spear. With another glance, Edward picked up a nearby sign. Cackling evilly, he lifted it above his head and was in mid throw when someone rounded the corner.

"Hello?" the flight attendant asked.

Edward lowered the sign behind his back and grinned cheesily.

The flight attendant eye-balled him suspiciously ((eye-balling. Tee-hee. It sounds as though someone pulled their eyes out and bowled them at you)) (((Yes…))).

"What are you doing?" The attendant asked.

"Um," Edward replied uncertainly. "Catch!" he suddenly screamed.

….

"You're supposed to throw something," the attendant told him nervously.

"Oh," Edward replied, as he threw the signpost at her.

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!" the flight attendant screamed, sinking to her knees. "IIIIIII'MMMMMMMMMM MMMMMEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLTTTTTTIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!"

Edward cackled evilly once again, before turning his back on the display case and skipping off down the highway at high speed.

Unfortunately, he was skipping over the speed limit, and as a result, was pulled over by a police car.

"Sorry, but you're going over the speed limit," The officer in the front seat frowned.

"PPPOOOKKYYYY!!" Edward screamed happily. He dragged the police officer out of his seat and tucked him under an arm before resuming his skipping. "Come on pooky, we have to go see Emmett!"

"I am Emmett!" the police officer who was actually pooky who was actually Emmett said.

"No, your Rosalie," Edward frowned.

"No, I'm Carlisle!" screamed the police officer, who was actually pooky, who was actually Emmett, who was actually Rosalie, who was actually Carlisle.

"Oh."

With that, the man or woman who is as yet unidentified was placed on the ground beside the highway. When he/she was sitting, he/she promptly started wailing something indistinguishable that sounded suspiciously like "earthquake!"

"Ah ha!" Edward screamed, turning mid-step and pointing. "You admit that you are Alice pretending to be Carlisle pretending to be Rosalie pretending to be Emmett pretending to be pooky pretending to be a police officer!"

The wailing thing on the ground glanced up, but continued wailing.

"ALICE!" screamed a streetlamp, a few million miles away on the outskirts of Vladivostok, Russia.

"ALICE!" the giant red rock that everyone seems to want to climb over for no apparent reason other than to say "I climbed a giant red rock" and collect bits of it so that is will bring them good luck in the middle of Australia screamed.

"ALICE!" a Tyrannosaurus-rex screamed as it was stomping through an overgrown forest in the middle of a movie entitled _"The age of the dinosaurs"_ when someone screamed "More like_ "the age of the plastic dinosaurs"_".

"ALICE!" screamed some random in the middle of a playing field in the middle of a college as they complained to the teacher about having back spasms.

"ALICE!" screamed a now homicidal Edward who picked up a sword that was waving in the wind as he lunged at her, only to be swept away by a tidal wave that carried in the remains of the titanic and all those poor endangered fishies that were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"ALICE!" screamed an enraged and protective Jasper, as he ran up the highway toward her. "Where have you been? I was pretending to be a flight attendant and Edward tried to melt me when he threw a sign at me."

"Oh, here and there," Alice replied calmly.

"HHHHEEEELLLLPPPP……" gurgled Edward as he sunk into the deeps pits of the ocean, never to be seen again. At least not by anyone _you_ know.

**So, now that that's out of the way. REVIEW!**

**P.S The random rock is Uluru, for all those who don't know, and that is exactly what the description above says it is. Big, red and dusty. People come from all over the world to climb up it and then climb back down… insane… After all, the only thing special about it is that it's the biggest rock in the world, not something you want to climb in the middle of the desert.**


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